Managing Conflict: Tips from Students in the Mind, Body, Wellness Student Organization

We asked members of Mind, Body, Wellness Student Organization how they manage conflict.

Meet the panelists from the Mind, Body, Wellness Student Organization: Maria, Jacqueline (President), Cristyn, and Rae Lynn.

To learn more about managing conflict, attend Managing Professional Conflict with NU Ombudsman, Cris Gilbert on Tuesday, November 17 at 5:30, hosted by CSEA. Register here.

If you would like to write for our December blog (Topic: “Gratitude”), please contribute here.

What’s a conflict you have faced and how have you overcome it?

Jacqueline: An example of a conflict that arises frequently is when students are assigned group projects during some of our classes. Sometimes it goes smoothly, but there are times where peers disagree, and I have been the mediator for the group. I usually try to remind everyone we are on the same team working on the same goal. It is easier to reach consensus when we are reminded we are all on the same boat, we are all learning, and in the end, we all want a good grade.

I usually try to remind everyone we are on the same team working on the same goal.

Cristyn: Conflict seems to be something we can’t get away from, especially this year.  One of the hot button points in my day to day is the controversy over wearing a mask.  Asking anyone to comply with this requirement always feels like walking into a mine field.  I trepidatiously ask, and brace myself for the response. 

Usually the response is, “oh sorry, I forgot,” but occasionally I get the opposite.  My response could be to argue.  My response could be to refuse to serve the customer.  Both of these tactics will ultimately increase agitation.  I try a different approach. 

I talk quieter and take a step back.  Usually by talking quieter, the customer begins to speak quieter.  By stepping back, I am able to maintain my safety by ensuring social distance and also de-escalate the scene by speaking quietly. 

It amazes me how often people mirror each other’s behaviors.  If I’m loud, they get loud, if I’m quiet, they get quiet.  By using this small adjustment in my reaction, the conflict can die off before it really gets a foothold.

I talk quieter and take a step back.  Usually by talking quieter, the customer begins to speak quieter.  By stepping back, I am able to maintain my safety by ensuring social distance and also de-escalate the scene by speaking quietly. 

Rae Lynn: With four family members living, eating, schooling, and working under the same roof for the past seven months, there’s no doubt that conflict has come up.

Whether it’s my children fighting just because there’s nothing else to do, or it’s my husband and I having extra “discussions” because certain expectations have not been met, being with the same people, indoors, 24/7 is a perfect recipe for conflict.

The stress of being constantly at home can start to add up and my family members become short with each other and irritated for no particular reason. Usually, I find that conflict is the symptom of other issues.

For me, I become more conflict-prone and irritable when I am 1) tired, 2) hungry, 3) stressed, 4) burnt out. One of the best things that I have done when I have found a conflict approaching is to get away.

Going outside and taking a jog or a power walk around my neighborhood is a great way to clear my head and deescalate any frustrations that I might be feeling.

Another way to calm conflict is to take a nap. Seriously, what is there that sleep can’t cure!

Eating something or doing a quick run to the Starbucks drive-through also allows me to clear my head and reset. During those times I can reevaluate where I am at and why I am feeling more prone to conflict.

If the result is stress or burnout, a conversation with my spouse or loved ones is the next step. I find that if my husband knows I am having a hard week at work or feeling stressed, he is way more likely to give me the extra time and space I need. Rather than just assuming he understands, I have learned that I need to tell him about my needs.

And when it comes to handling conflict with my kids, like when mom loses it or responds in anger or is easily frustrated, I know that sitting down with them and apologizing for my attitude and actions makes all the difference. They benefit when they see that moms and dads make mistakes, too!

Rather than just assuming he understands, I have learned that I need to tell him about my needs.

What advice would you give to others for handling conflict?

Jacqueline: I like to look at conflict as an opportunity for learning. Make sure you listen to everyone involved and learn from their perspective. Communication is the key to resolving conflict. It is essential not to take anything personal and be open to change and compromise. In the end, it does not matter who was right or wrong; what matters is moving forward in a way that does the greater good for everyone involved.

Maria: When handling conflict, I think it is important to consider how our intervention can make a difference.  Can involving ourselves in conflict make for a positive outcome? Sometimes, depending on the situation, we may even have to consider whether it is safe to intervene, which is always a wise thing to consider. I believe that if our intentions are coming from a good place, and we believe it is safe to involve ourselves, we should.

In the end, it does not matter who was right or wrong; what matters is moving forward in a way that does the greater good for everyone involved.

Cristyn: We can’t avoid conflict.  We can’t control the feelings of others.  All we can control is how we react to conflict.  We can choose to react negatively and increase tensions, or we can react positively and search for a resolution while maintaining our composure.  My best advice is to really understand that most conflict doesn’t have anything to do with me, so I don’t take it personally.  If I don’t take it personally, it’s a great deal easier not to react negatively.

Rae Lynn: My advice for those handling conflicts is to first take a time out. Oftentimes we become so clouded by our emotions that we can blow things out of proportion or not even realize the root of why we feel the way we do. Take a time out, get outside, grab a journal, do anything you can to help you center yourself and your thoughts and identify what you are feeling. I also manage my expectations. I use “I feel statements” to help the person empathize with how you are feeling.

What’s the most important lesson learned from handling conflict?

Jacqueline: Sometimes we are so caught up in defending our perspective that we don’t truly listen to the other’s perception of the conflict or what the solution might look like. I have learned that when you look beyond the conflict, and at the end goal, it is easier to be open to conflict resolution. Also, it is best to confront conflict rather than avoid it. I believe everything happens for a reason and usually, after resolving a conflict, the team will be wiser and stronger than before.

Maria: The most important lesson I learned from this experience is that we must speak up when we can. Accepting situations that are unacceptable can normalize them. I think it’s important to be active participants in our society and speak up against behavior we don’t agree with, with the goal of emulating the type of society we want to be part of.

Cristyn: I mentioned it above, but my most important lesson has been learning not to take things personally.  By doing this, and remaining calm, I can turn situations of conflict into positive change events.

Rae Lynn: The most important lesson that I have learned from conflict during Covid is that no matter what, conflict is a part of life. I personally would love to avoid conflict, but from past experience, I know that never works. So, instead of avoiding, I have learned to embrace it and work through it, opting to learn from conflict rather than let it define me and my relationships.

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NU resources for conflict.

Office of the Ombudsman. National University Office of the Ombudsman at (858) 642-8368 or ombuds@nu.edu.

Per the website:

Here are some examples of common issues that can be discussed with the University Ombudsman Office:

• Miscommunication between supervisors, coworkers, employees, and/or students
• Confusion around policies and/or procedures
• Ethical and unfair treatment concerns